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A BREASTSTROKER'S PERSPECTIVE.....
FREESTYLE
Oh yes, let us begin with the aquatic F-word, Freestyle. Truly a dull and
unimaginative stroke. Left arm, right arm, left kick ,right kick. We detect a
pattern here. What kind of person finds intellectual stimulation in this sort of
repetition? Clomp, clomp, clomp. Freestyle is an elephant's stroke, all
apologies to elephants. It is a stroke for people who stop at yellow lights and
excel at algebra. Informal polling has led us to conclude that, to a person,
freestyler's prefer Macintosh to Windows, Kenny G to Miles Davis and day to
night. Coaches wanting to see eyes literally bug out of sockets need only move a
freestyler to the breaststroke lane. Yes, Virginia, there is more to life
than catch-up drills and flutter kick.
Breaststroker's recommendation: Use this stroke for warmups only.
BACKSTROKE
We have many questions to ask of
the world's backstrokers. First, what is the matter with you? That's right, you
heard us. What is your problem? Do you not realize that you are upside down?
Does light not shine in your sinister eyes? Are you reptiles with a second pair
of eyelids, opaque in nature, that protect you from the sun's rays? Speaking of
eyes, what about the ones in the backs of your heads, allowing you to spot the
wall? Is it true that you can see through Speedos? And what of your
start...crouched in front of the blocks as if praying to your "god." Who sent
you to Earth? What have you done with Elvis? And why, when you grab at our
private parts in practice, do you pretend that it is an accident?
Breaststroker's recommendation:
Skip this one altogether; it is wholly unnatural.
BUTTERFLY
Good Lord. When will this most violent of strokes be committed to an insane
asylum? With a recovery that emphasizes arms outstretched and hurling
dangerously through the air, we wonder how many more breaststrokers have to be
smacked across the face by an errant flier's paw before this experiment gone
awry is canceled. Butterfly is a bad seed, borne out of breaststroke and
mistakenly given its own place in the medley relay. The loud uncle of swimming,
butterfly boorishly hogs the remote control, making all the other strokes watch
football on Thanksgiving Day. We cannon help but think that witnessing butterfly
is like babysitting spoiled child who constantly screams, "look at me!" Enough,
butterfliers, enough. It's time to grow up. You are making a scene. You are
hereby grounded to your room, where you shall consume copious amounts of Ritalin
and think about the turbulent waves your savage dolphin kicking has caused
decent, hardworking breaststrokers.
Breaststroker's recommendation: Swim only if you want to scare little kids out
of your lane.
BREASTSTROKE
Breaststroke is all that is noble and good in this cruel world. It is the most
subtle of strokes. Unlike its neanderthal brethren, breaststroke has refined
tastes. It reads the New Yorker and paints abstracts with oil. It hates both
Demi Moore movies and the first half and last fourth of the IM. Breaststroke, we
suspect, enjoys a martini now and again. (Contrast this with the alcoholic
butterfly, which pounds Budweisers from cans, shoplifted from a 7-11). It
soothes the inner beast and acts as a gentle
tonic on a troubled heart. In fact, whenever we use our upgrade coupons to fly
first class, just thinking about breaststroke drowns out the moaning of the
rabble back in coach. Breaststroke, you see, is in harmony with the universe;
its pull and kick chase one another in playful symmetry. And if that weren't
enough, breaststroke also boasts the crown jewel of competitive swimming, the
pulldown. Comprised of a long sinewy pull followed by a spry frog kick, the
pulldown is a holy moment of shrouded watery silence. Breaststrokers go to
chapel during the pulldown, (often giving thanks that they are not backstrokers),
and break to the surface only when their brave lungs are nearly burst. We have
yet to see the fishkick or streamline that invokes such spiritual repose.
Breaststroke is Yin and Yang, Rum and Coke, and the Captain and Tennille.
Man does not go to breaststroke,
man waits for breaststroke to come to him.
Amen, brothers and sisters.
Breaststroker's recommendation: Join Us!
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